Thursday, March 26, 2009

What's Your Story?

I have an internal dialogue often going on in my head which seems reminiscent of a narrative.( I do not hear voices). If you can imagine a sports broadcaster who is the play by play commentator, that would be a fair description of my self talk. The important thing is to attempt to keep your self talk positive, non judgemental and the way you'd want your best friend to cajole or coax you.The tone of voice you use is also significant. It shouldn't be harsh or overcritical. A sense of self deprecating humor might also be the right voice you want to listen to.

Some people have little songs singing in their head. If people are music lovers that is probably what they are listening to sans ipod/mp3. I often wonder when people behave a certain way what they are possibly thinking. It's not really productive to let yourself become too distracted by what you think other people are thinking because this distracts you from your own internal dialogue.Perhaps this internal dialogue is actually insight and intuition expressing itself. We need to listen to that because it is our own reality check.

Everyone has their version of their own life narrative which actually becomes our each unique story. Patterns of thoughts influence our perceptions. My own story usually reflects attempts to keep myself on track and offering gentle guidance. I try to be benevolent when I interpret my reactions yet this is likely the source of my own internal struggle not to judge myself harshly. I try to stay in "real time" avoiding the pitfalls of history and not let the past dictate my present or future. I think this may be where alot of people go off in the wrong direction. Yes, we all have a history, our collection of experiences and perceptions, but we don't need to let it effect us in the "now".

During the day I will sometimes hear myself saying things that at times are slightly irreverent.I have to admit I sometimes find my own thoughts amusing and have actually laughed at something I was thinking while in the midst of daydreaming or battling distraction . If I stray too far I can find myself off track and have to catch myself not to be negative or judgemental in my thinking towards people who may not conform to my sensibilities.

Intellectualizing may be a trap to fall into. Catching yourself at it takes a certain amount of awareness and practice. It really requires being honest with yourself. I think I'm fairly proficient at catching myself intellectualizing because it usually means I am distancing myself from my own feelings.

If you were writing your own story and you were the main character how would you view yourself, hero, villain ,comic ,wise?

We are all authors.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Not Tall

Height is relative.Which relative I take after in the family happens to be the short statured ones. I would say I'm just average short, not tall. In my kitchen the upper cabinets can only be reached if I drag over my special kitchen step stool. I also use a pair of kitchen tongs to grab unbreakable stuff from the top shelves. I have one high shelf that contains a large number of plastic storage containers that are balanced somewhat precariously and inevitably fall down on Mr. gaf's head when he opens the cabinet. He usually has something to say about this when it occurs and it is often a comment reflective of my habit of collecting plastic containers (expletive deleted). It is difficult for me to arrange them by nesting the smaller ones in side the bigger ones because I would then have to spend time up on my step stool with my arms raised above my head an inordinate amount of time, so I don't.

In grocery and department stores I am at a decided disadvantage. What I want to buy or look at is sometimes beyond my grasp on a high shelf. I have actually waited for a tall person to pass by and very politely ask for assistance. Most of the time it's a male and they just sort of shrug, not looking overly involved at helping to assist the short lady. I have at times tried to crawl up a shelf at a store but I feel at my age it is a compromise on my dignity.

I try to keep my clothes closet neat but again the upper shelf is the nether land of items flung up there with a toss. Every once in awhile I have to get a chair to stand up on and reorganize all the assorted miscellaneous accessories of hats, pocketbooks and anything else that was flung up there. If you have ever watched the docu-program Little People Big World you get the idea how difficult it is to be vertically challenged. I am 5 feet 2 inches tall which does not qualify me as a little person but there are a whole bunch of things that I can't reach.

Fortunately, nearly every vehicle I have owned has a lever to move the seat forward so that my foot reaches the gas pedal. This is also a constant "readjustment" when Mr. gaf has driven my car because he has moved the seat back, adjusted the tilt of the steering wheel and both the rear view and side mirrors.We must be very patient with each other so that the height difference does not become a disagreeable situation.We have learned not to bicker about it and just accept the reality of two different sized bodies sometimes need to drive the same automobile. Pick your battles.

On the television there is a news commentator, David Gregory on NBC, who is gigantic. When he stands next to people of ordinary height he towers over nearly everyone. People come up to his mid chest. I imagine he has the opposite problem trying to adjust car seats and having to stoop over too short furniture. Maybe in his house his wife waits for him to come home so he can grab things that are up too high or dust the chandelier. I wouldn't doubt that he probably has a specially made bed long enough for him to be comfortable to sleep on. What arrangements he makes when he flies on an airplane is a mystery unless he flies around with all the NBA basketball players and they take a detour to drop him off somewhere. I actually saw on a news program they have specially designed planes for the basketball players.

I have had to shorten almost every pair of slacks I have ever owned. I've grown rather adept at this, but just once I'd like to buy a pair of pants that don't hang 5 inches below my heel. Petite size never seems quite long enough for some reason so I reside in limbo, not tall enough but too short, but taller than little people.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Social Intercourse

Although we may all be bloggers pecking away at our little keyboards living wherever. I have observed the phenomena of social intercourse ie; dialogue and sharing of thoughts and ideas. I don't think there needs to be actual face to face contact in order to engage in social intercourse. In our virtual universe of the blogosphere we have posted our thoughts and ideas as a way of communicating with each other. I find it amazing the plethora of perceptions, sometimes similar to my sentiments and sometimes somewhat far removed. The level of intimacy and self disclosure varies as does the intent and content. It is not a passive pursuit, but it is solitary until someone out there provides feedback, a reality check if you will.

I find the anonymity of blogging somewhat comforting. You can say anything and be anything you want to be, or portray yourself as the idealized version of what you wish to be. There is no handshake, wink or nod to read some one's body language. Does this have an effect on how words might be interpreted? Maybe it is a safe way we find to express ourselves when we offer our opinions without fear of retribution.There are things we might say that under different circumstance we might be reluctant to espouse. Perhaps positive regard can be more freely expressed in person with a hug or gesture. How does that translate at the keyboard other than our "LOL" or sideways smiley face :) ? When we speak in person to people whom we know our voice and tone transmits our emotions.

Intimacy can be defined in many different ways. It does not necessarily have to involve body contact. Emotional intimacy is possible especially when it evokes feelings. There are many blogs I have read that facilitate meaningful feelings. The comments exchanged often are our attempts to acknowledge and or validate to the writer we understand or commiserate. Genuineness can only be assumed or inferred. It is necessary to take what is said at face value but there is no face.Perhaps instinct can somehow be transmitted through the keyboard when we are not entirely sure of the motivation.

I recommend that we all engage in intercourse as often as humanly possible.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Less Work More Relaxing Time

Weekends are too short. Saturday is usually the day to run around and do all the errands that I didn't get done during the week because of being too busy at work. Most of the time I enjoy a jaunt into the community riding around stopping at the dry cleaners, the local stores and buying the groceries. I usually run in to people whom I know and we engage in a brief chat on the fly. After doing errands I return home and put away all the groceries which my husband is usually around to help me with. I think he really wants to survey the larder so he'll know what's in the cupboard. It makes it hard to hide things on him because if I don't he will eat the chocolate chips and burglarize the walnuts before I get to make the cookies.

Saturdays also usually involve a fair amount of household chores which frankly I dread because I have usually put things off until the weekend.I'm always doing laundry throughout the week but there is always ample enough waiting in the laundry baskets for at least a few loads of sheets,towels and clothing. I don't like mixing the towels in with the clothes because it causes too much fuzz and lint.There is quite a bit I will hang to dry because I don't want certain things shrunk or shriveled in the dryer.Then of course there is the folding and putting away of all the laundry which I think I'm a little "OCD" about. I save some of that until Sunday which involves an evening routine of ironing my clothes for the work week while watching something stupid on the TV.

If it is nice out I might try to take a walk up the road which is about a 2mile long trip of rural scenery and barking canines which I judiciously encounter. Sometimes I am not entirely certain if they are restrained because alot of people have those electronic fences but I don't know that while the crazy thing is running menacingly towards me. I much prefer mooing back at the cows, or neighing at the horses. During the winter months it is really too cold and snowy to attempt much of a stroll but I have a treadmill down in the cellar which I hardly use.

In the winter unless you enjoy outdoor activities it can cause a bit of cabin fever but I manage to keep busy with all sorts of projects. Of course there's always time to bang away at the computer but sometimes that type of solitary endeavor can be isolating if I spend too much time staring at the computer while my husband is usually yelling back at the TV set watching some type of sporting event. We do enjoy a glass of wine or cocktail in the evening but if not careful it can lead to falling asleep on the couch too early.

We enjoy our season's tickets for a local college hockey team which is a form of entertainment in the area where there isn't much to do. When you live in a rural area it's not like you can just walk down the street to the movie theatre.We do occasionally go to a movie but it is difficult to come to an agreement on what to see. I like the relationship type stories and my husband will roll his eyes because he much prefers car chases and people shooting at each other.

I do like to cook so during the weekend when there is time I am often in the kitchen concocting some type of elaborate meal. I used to bake a cake, brownies or cookies but right now we have had to declare a moratorium at my husbands insistence not to indulge in sweets because of excess poundage.He's right of course.

Sunday mornings are reserved for relaxing and reading the Sunday paper. I enjoy this pleasure and look forward to it when I've had a challenging week to just read articles and exercise my intellect. Keeping up with current events is important and necessary if you expect to carry on an intelligent conversation at work or at lunch time.I also have to peruse the best seller book list and see what author's have published lately.

Our office recently offered a four day work week as an option and several co-workers have chosen to work longer days in order to have a three day weekend. Even though I would very much enjoy a three day weekend I am not willing to test my stamina by working extended hours each of the four days. I think it would basically involve eat, sleep and work for the four days. I have enough vacation time to basically take off any Friday I choose or even add on an extra day to a Monday holiday which I do quite often. See that's the thing, by the time Sunday comes I'm finally beginning to relax and then it is all too soon to gear up again for a busy work week. I can't wait to retire but unfortunately that is likely a few more years away.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009


winter's stark shadows at twilight,
the wise moon's owl
shy morn of early dawn,
cycle of life unknown
adolescent hue of noon
reasons why the dark of night falls
changing seasons,
life's rebirth of latent spring
groom's warm gaze of summer fire
autumn's golden middle age

winter's stark shadows at twilight
evening's tide washes life away