Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Trying to figure out life?

As I continue my quest to figure out my life, myself, and the choices I make, I've begun to identify that much of it is about some very basic issues. Patterns or themes come to mind and tend to reoccur. It's as if the same things happen over and over again just different circumstances and situations.

Much of life is about communication. Sometimes I try really hard and get the sense I am good at it and then other times I'm as confused as hell. When I am honest with myself and do not create any smoke screens or defenses I feel I'm on the right track and life for the most part seems fairly tame and sane. I am close to the people I want to be close with and those on the periphery don't really know the real me but that's true about alot of people, don't you think?

At work I am my "professional" self, somewhat formal and focused when at my job. When I interact with co-workers I make an effort to be fair, polite and direct. I don't really have the time or inclination to play mind games so I expect other people are being forthright with me as well. Sometimes I wonder if this is a correct assumption because other people's behavior sometimes indicates otherwise. I try not to let it bother me but I have a hard time fathoming other people's motivations when they are different then my own. There have been times when I feel apologetic if I have offended someone and will express that when I think I have acted in a hurtful way but not having intended to. People may harbor bad feelings and this is what worries me sometimes. Alot of people are unable to express if they are bothered by something you may have said or done and so you don't always know and this is what contributes to a breakdown in communication but often you don't know that or why.

Relationships with people can often be complex, filled with nuance and subtlety. I get that, but if you operate on the premise of being open and honest and you think those are the rules of the game it can be quite disappointing when you realize in certain situations you are not on the same wave length with other people.

Trust has always been a big issue for me and until I get better at figuring some of this out I feel stuck in the same pattern of relating to people. I don't think I over analyze too much but trying to figure some of this out would definitely allow me to feel a sense of personal growth and less confused. They say in therapy you can only bring someone as far as you have gone yourself and I am humbled by this because I am often searching for answers myself.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Sometimes I scare myself.

Here I am a little after midnight when the world has grown quiet but my mind is still active and not ready to let me retire. Once in awhile I have a bout of insomnia and it's better not to fight it so instead I put in a load of laundry and started to bang away at the keyboard. Sometimes it is actually my most creative period of the day when I come up with ideas about what I might write about in my blog or I do my best problem solving.

I had to totally give up caffeine several years ago because it had a significant effect on my sleep pattern so I switched to decaf tea (most of the time), and didn't worry about giving up coffee because I never drank it anyway. A bit of chocolate is usually harmless but sometimes it can be unpredictable what it'll do to me. It's unlikely I'll give up chocolate, not gonna happen.

When I was in my teens and twenties staying up all night was fun and I could survive on very little sleep without it being too much of a problem. If I let myself I would probably revert back to keeping late hours and then sleep late but that's totally unrealistic when you have to get up for work everyday. It would be totally uncool for me to nod off at work because in a therapy session you don't want your therapist falling asleep on you!

There's something about the late of night that is mysterious and different. Darkness gives the world a different dimension. The world is generally quiet and at rest, unless you are in some type of urban setting. I guess that also has it's own rhythm. I don't think I was really ever afraid of the dark but I definitely had a very active imagination as a child and would sometimes be startled by weird reflections in the windows at night. I have a confession to make, there are still times when I'll glance at a dark window and think I see something. Not a monster, more like the portal to a different dimension that only nighttime brings out. Stephen King would know what I'm talking about. Sometimes I scare myself.

I will go take my laundry out of the washing machine, shove it in the dryer and try to go upstairs and put myself to sleep. I will relax my mind and hopefully sleep will take over. Good night world.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Reggae Morning on a Quiet Country Road

The temperature and cool breeze of the morning was perfect for a walk around the neighborhood down the quiet country road. I donned my favorite Syracuse University t shirt, a baseball cap, and my fast as a bastard sneakers . My shuffle accompanied me as background music for my trek. Nothing like a little Reggae music to get a good rhythm going for a walk. As a precaution I spritzed a bit of ode' cologne bug spray to prevent harassment from the flying vampires. Off I went with the bitter taste of bug spray on my lips.
I was acutely aware that my right hip might protest but my motto is use it or lose it. Not to focus on any errant pain just enjoy the journey, focus on observing what might be encountered. I walked by the farmer's front yard and despite the Reggae music pulsating through my headphones I discerned the sounds of a barking dog, guarding the perimeter of his territory and his herd of cows. Four or five automobiles passed, most slowing down as a courtesy to the grey haired dame making her way down the road smiling and a wave from one or two of the vehicles acknowledging friendly greetings, don't really know who they might be...
Little yellow breasted birds swooning from tree to tree. I was able to detect a few tweets and twitters of their animated babble as my shuffle switched tunes to the Allman Brother's bluesy plaintive wails. Gazing down I observed small tiny pine cones dotting the side of the road and regretfully a scattering of litter, mostly fast food wrappers and a Mountain Dew can. I turned my attention upward towards the leaves on the trees waving their greetings at me in the gentle breeze.

I rounded the corner and was greeted by the vision of my home surrounded by a lovely landscape of grass , shrubs and flowers welcoming me back from my travels. I complimented the Iris' on their striking purple colors entered the house and enjoyed a bowl of Cheerios. Life is too short ,it must be savored whenever possible.