As I continue my quest to figure out my life, myself, and the choices I make, I've begun to identify that much of it is about some very basic issues. Patterns or themes come to mind and tend to reoccur. It's as if the same things happen over and over again just different circumstances and situations.
Much of life is about communication. Sometimes I try really hard and get the sense I am good at it and then other times I'm as confused as hell. When I am honest with myself and do not create any smoke screens or defenses I feel I'm on the right track and life for the most part seems fairly tame and sane. I am close to the people I want to be close with and those on the periphery don't really know the real me but that's true about alot of people, don't you think?
At work I am my "professional" self, somewhat formal and focused when at my job. When I interact with co-workers I make an effort to be fair, polite and direct. I don't really have the time or inclination to play mind games so I expect other people are being forthright with me as well. Sometimes I wonder if this is a correct assumption because other people's behavior sometimes indicates otherwise. I try not to let it bother me but I have a hard time fathoming other people's motivations when they are different then my own. There have been times when I feel apologetic if I have offended someone and will express that when I think I have acted in a hurtful way but not having intended to. People may harbor bad feelings and this is what worries me sometimes. Alot of people are unable to express if they are bothered by something you may have said or done and so you don't always know and this is what contributes to a breakdown in communication but often you don't know that or why.
Relationships with people can often be complex, filled with nuance and subtlety. I get that, but if you operate on the premise of being open and honest and you think those are the rules of the game it can be quite disappointing when you realize in certain situations you are not on the same wave length with other people.
Trust has always been a big issue for me and until I get better at figuring some of this out I feel stuck in the same pattern of relating to people. I don't think I over analyze too much but trying to figure some of this out would definitely allow me to feel a sense of personal growth and less confused. They say in therapy you can only bring someone as far as you have gone yourself and I am humbled by this because I am often searching for answers myself.
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