Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Trying to figure out life?

As I continue my quest to figure out my life, myself, and the choices I make, I've begun to identify that much of it is about some very basic issues. Patterns or themes come to mind and tend to reoccur. It's as if the same things happen over and over again just different circumstances and situations.

Much of life is about communication. Sometimes I try really hard and get the sense I am good at it and then other times I'm as confused as hell. When I am honest with myself and do not create any smoke screens or defenses I feel I'm on the right track and life for the most part seems fairly tame and sane. I am close to the people I want to be close with and those on the periphery don't really know the real me but that's true about alot of people, don't you think?

At work I am my "professional" self, somewhat formal and focused when at my job. When I interact with co-workers I make an effort to be fair, polite and direct. I don't really have the time or inclination to play mind games so I expect other people are being forthright with me as well. Sometimes I wonder if this is a correct assumption because other people's behavior sometimes indicates otherwise. I try not to let it bother me but I have a hard time fathoming other people's motivations when they are different then my own. There have been times when I feel apologetic if I have offended someone and will express that when I think I have acted in a hurtful way but not having intended to. People may harbor bad feelings and this is what worries me sometimes. Alot of people are unable to express if they are bothered by something you may have said or done and so you don't always know and this is what contributes to a breakdown in communication but often you don't know that or why.

Relationships with people can often be complex, filled with nuance and subtlety. I get that, but if you operate on the premise of being open and honest and you think those are the rules of the game it can be quite disappointing when you realize in certain situations you are not on the same wave length with other people.

Trust has always been a big issue for me and until I get better at figuring some of this out I feel stuck in the same pattern of relating to people. I don't think I over analyze too much but trying to figure some of this out would definitely allow me to feel a sense of personal growth and less confused. They say in therapy you can only bring someone as far as you have gone yourself and I am humbled by this because I am often searching for answers myself.


underOvr (aka The U) said...


Hello my friend.

I know it has been some time since I've visited your blog. I continue sorting things out for now. A fellow blogger mentioned a post they had written and I agreed to check it out. Naturally while I was here, I thought I'd visit your blog.

I have gone through that period where I asked myself many of the questions you've posed; I no longer ask myself those questions.

Like you, I realize we are all different; in the way we view life and how we live our's. I try not to get bogged down in over-analyzing folks. I want to accept people as they are. Although there are times when I slip back into the confines of being too harsh. I remind myself of how lenient I am regarding my own life and that seems to lighten my perspective.

I've seen myself change over time. I believe it's much easier now for me to understand the subtle nuances of communication; I confess, I am no expert.

I tend to accept what a person says unless it flies in the face of truth and common sense. I do try not to be offensive to others. I've discovered that I don't particulary enjoy being the recipient of that behavior.

I agree that the most complex issue in life for me is maintaining relationships. In the past, I have told myself that I "lack the emotional energy". I realize now that I just wasn't being truely honest with myself and others.

Honesty requires a transparency; a revelation of my inner man. I was not comfortable with others seeing me. Now, I don't care what opinions are formulated about me. I don't mean to say, "I don't give a (deleted) about anyone"; I'm just not attempting to sway views.

When you say, "Trust has always been a big issue for me and until I get better at figuring some of this out I feel stuck in the same pattern of relating to people.", I think there are some things that we never figure out; the thought processes of others being one.

Sometimes it's realizing that although riding a roller coaster is thrilling and exhiliarating, you're just in an endless loop; always returning to the same spot you began. It wasn't until I got off the ride and saw there was more to life that I began to appreciate things and folks I took for granted.

Why do I always wind up writing blog posts instead of a simple comment? It should be so easy to say, "I enjoyed reading this" or "very insightful" or the always popular, "thanks for sharing a revealing part of you".

As I said, I can't just visit Blogger and not stop by here to visit with you.

Madame DeFarge said...

(and hi to U)

I rarely put comments as long as The U's, but it doesn't mean that posts don't provoke thoughts along those lines. I wonder at myself at lot, although I hope that doesn't sound too self regarding. I just wonder how I can be so sorted most of the time and then throw a big wobble and everything tumbles down. Some of my funniest posts have been written when I've felt at my worst. It's like there's a helpful mask to put on.

I analyse myself too much and rarely feel happier for it. That's what I keep forgetting and then I wonder why I feel miserable.

gaf85 said...

U, My gratitude to you for taking the time to respond so genuinely to my attempts at self analysis. One of the important aspects you mentioned about acceptance really hit home.I think maybe that's what I'm trying to do. It's difficult sometimes though to balance introspection with not over analyzing.

Madame, Your humor is probably a healthy way of coping and for some of us who read your posts a bright spot in our day so don't change a thing.